I came across a poem the other day that stopped me in my tracks. I’d read it once, long ago, but this time it took on an entirely new meaning and significance.
Here it is:
”Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life
and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Half a life is a life you didn't live
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you
The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists to live a life
not half a life.”
- Khalil Gibran
Ask yourself: are you living half a life?
If you died tomorrow, would you be happy with the way you had lived? Did you do all those things you wanted to do? Did you live the way you had dreamed of living? Did you love the way you had always wanted to love?
Khalil Gibran’s poem (as with all his writing) made me stop for a moment–because when I asked myself whether I was living ‘half a life’, my answer was yes.
I was shocked.
Yes?! How could I, of all people, be living a half life?
I’ve always been the fearless one, the spontaneous one, the carefree one. Carpe diem—or as we would say a few years ago, YOLO!—was basically my motto.
After reading that poem, though, I was struck by a realization. That fearless me, that spontaneous me, had been suffocated by the only real enemy that any of us have in life: fear.
Ahhh, fear.
That good ol’ faithful friend who takes a firm grip on your heart if you let it—and once it does, it doesn’t let go. It slowly seeps into every little thought, it infects every belief, and plants seeds of doubt into every beautiful thought you think. It does this so quietly, so subtly, so effortlessly, that often, we don’t even realize it’s happening.
Without going into too much detail, the last several months have been some of the absolute worst of my life. There was a lot that happened—I became so stressed, so overwhelmed, and I was barely able to even catch my breath. It seemed like everything came crashing down all at once, and I had no idea why.
Although I’ve always loved solitude, in this particular case I felt completely alone–which was my fault. I tend to isolate when difficulty strikes, and instead of reaching out, I locked myself away. I tried to ignore my problems by maintaining an attitude of, “Well it could be worse!” which in itself, is a good way to look at things. The issue was that I wasn’t dealing with my emotions properly…I was just ignoring them. I became so overwhelmed with negative emotion, with the feeling of not knowing what to do, that this, in turn, manifested itself into extreme physical illness and excrucating pain. Since I wasn’t slowing down and dealing with things head-on, my body made me slow down. What you don’t properly deal with emotionally, always surfaces physically, even if much, much later. Alas, another problem to add to the list. When it rains it pours!
I couldn’t eat, I could barely sleep, and I ended up losing over 20 lbs…and if you know me, you know I didn’t have 20 lbs to lose. For a large part of this year I was too weak to even get out of bed. Me! The one who’s always been so energetic and happy! The one who’s always been so full of life and enthusiasm! Some days I felt fine, great even. On those days, I’d be so excited that I’d try to live normally and go to a coffee shop or even out for dinner—but then for days after, I’d be unable to do much except lay there, basically lifeless.
I felt betrayed by life–how could I, someone who is so positive, someone who always looks at the silver lining–be dealt such a bad card?
Everything I searched regarding how to relieve stress and heal myself was so vague and generalized: “Just look on the bright side!” “Just take a deep breath!” “You’ve got this!”
Well when you’re living in stress, and then in pain on top of that, when you are in the depths of sadness, it’s really hard to just look on the bright side. In fact, all of those inspirational quotes end up being really annoying. HOW do you look on the bright side when you literally can’t see anything to be happy about?
So, I kept getting weaker and weaker, and angrier and angrier. I felt like I was deteriorating. I was angry at life. I was angry at God. I was angry at myself. and I was just so, so sad. How could these things happen to me? What had I done wrong? Why was I being punished like this? I had been so excited for the beginning of the year! I was looking forward to doing so much! I was so thrilled with the possibilities of life! Yet here I was, feeling worse than I ever had, with seemingly no end in sight.
Every challenging time happens for a reason, though, and there’s usually a blessing hidden somewhere within it. We also have to remember that problems never come without telltale signs. Life always gives you clues before (pardon my French) shit hits the fan.
The problem is that we ignore those signs. We’re comfortable living life the way we’re used to: we go on, day to day, doing the same things, seeing the same people, eating the same food, watching the same shows, experiencing the same emotions. It’s like we’re running on autopilot. But is that really living? It sounds just like existing.
So when we find ourselves confronted with pervasive problems, our only option is to change something. Sometimes all we need to change is our diet. Sometimes, we just need to change our environment. But more often than not, what we really need to change is ourselves.
Change, as we all know, is uncomfortable. It’s hard. You have to really delve deep within to figure out what’s going on: what emotions you’ve been blocking, what triggers you have, or whether you’ve been living out of alignment with your true self. Most of us are not willing to do that work because, let’s face it, it can be painful. So life steps in and forces us to make changes. It does this by putting us through deep emotional or physical pain, because usually that’s the only time we are motivated enough to change.
So, I had no choice but to take a deep dive within. I tried to learn as much as I could: I watched countless videos, I poured over tons of books, and I began to discover just how powerful our minds are. In order to harness that inner power, I began meditating not once, but twice a day. For a time, nothing changed. I was frustrated, to say the least. But instead of ignoring the negative emotions, I started letting myself really feel what I was feeling, and accepting the situation for what it was. Finally, over time, I noticed a sense of peace slowly setting over me. I even had moments of true joy and bliss! I began to feel calmer. Through that calmness, my mind became still, and a question popped up: Was this season in my life perhaps not punishing me, but trying to teach me something?
“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.”
After months of suffering and contemplation, I came to the realization that the biggest factor in so many things going wrong in my life was one simple thing:
I wasn’t being true to myself.
Sure, there were times when I was still spontaneous, fearless, and happy–but those were just glimpses of my true spirit bursting forth, here and there. For the majority of the time, however, I was not acting in accordance with my true nature. Something had masked it; something had covered it up so stealthily that worry, anxiety, and doubt became my default mode, although from the outside you would’ve never guessed it. So what was that thing that put such a dark cloak over who I was?
Once again, we come back to fear.
Fear, essentially, disconnects you with your authentic self. It tells you you can’t do something. It convinces you that you are unworthy. It infects you with doubt and steers you towards a mediocre life, under the guise of safety, security, comfort. But what is life without risk? How can we experience pure joy without having the courage to truly go for what we want? If we don’t follow what tugs at our souls, then we fall into the trap of living a half life, a life caged by reason and logic–and reason and logic have no place in a life that’s truly magical.
When you lose this connection to your true, authentic self, you lose the connection between everything else in your life—health, wealth, relationships, career, you name it. It’s only through a true understanding of who you are that you can begin to live life beautifully. Then, life transforms. It goes from being painful, arduous, and confusing, to being utterly magical and divine.
I realized that doubt and fear had put me on a path that made so many things in my life go wrong. For a long time, I had hidden my true thoughts and feelings from others in favor of protecting my own heart. And there’s nothing wrong with that: protecting your heart and valuing your inner peace guards you against those who don’t always have the best intentions. But there’s a caveat: when you overprotect yourself, when you hide who you are because you’re afraid, slowly, over time, you end up losing touch with who you are. This, I believe, is when problems arise.
I had let fear take the reins. I was so afraid of showing how I truly felt—or feeling any emotion wholeheartedly— that I kept silent about many things. I was so afraid of failure, of betrayal, of rejection. I was afraid of fully letting in my emotions—their intensity was too much for me to handle. I was so intent on staying true to the stoic principle of amor fati, that I didn’t even allow myself to fully feel or experience certain situations–good or bad. I just shoved everything to the side and ignored them. I was often afraid of making the wrong choice, or saying the wrong thing, and I doubted literally everything. I kept thinking, what if it all goes wrong?
And that “what if” question can be so dangerous: what if it doesn’t go the way I planned? What if I fail? What if I am left utterly broken?
However–and this is part of the beautifully designed game of life–the reverse works just as well.
You can play that “what if” game, but to your advantage: What if it works out greater than I could have ever imagined? What if I become happy beyond belief? What if I end up actually living my dream life?
Here’s where the power of your mind comes in. We have the choice in every moment about how we react. I know when you’re in the depths of darkness and everything seems to be working against you, choosing to be happy is maybe the most difficult thing in the world. It seems impossible. But that choice is still there. We can accept the moment, fully let it be what it is, and have faith that through the power of our attention, through the power of a calm and grateful mind, in time, things can and will improve. It’s a sure thing.
“
Live life as if everything is rigged in your favor. ”
The mind is so powerful, in fact, that if you don’t know how to tame it, it can—and will—be your worst enemy.
But the opposite holds true, as well: your mind is literally powerful enough to completely change things around you and make you the absolute best version of yourself! And the best version of you is always full of courage!
There’s no worse curse than looking back on your life and wishing you had lived it differently. “Half a life is a life you didn't live.” Oh, can you imagine? Realizing one day, when you’re old, that you didn’t even live? That you didn’t go for it, whatever it is for you?
Well I aim to LIVE.
Fully. Deliciously. Passionately.
Who cares what others think? Who cares if things don’t go as planned? At least you tried your best! At least you put your heart and soul out in the open and really went for it! At least you lived TRUE to yourself!
I want to experience every bit of life. I want to squeeze everything I can out of it, tasting every last drop. I deeply desire to live life deliciously—to look back on it when I’m 90 and say, wow, what a ride! I want to experience life’s utter beauty, its thrill, its never ending wonder. I know now that the dark moments are part of that, too. It’s hard to remember that when you’re going through some hard times, I know. You feel like it’ll never end. But I can promise you, if you take the time to go within, if you honor yourself by showing up for yourself, the bad times will end. Things will get better.
We all stumble sometimes, that’s just part of being human. But instead of judging ourselves, let’s be a little bit nicer to ourselves. Forgive ourselves. Love ourselves. For when we truly love ourselves, we can love others even more deeply. And if we love ourselves and others, well, then the entire world heals.
Life comes in seasons: there are the good seasons, there are the boring ones, there are the bad seasons…and then, then there are those seasons that are absolute fairytales; the seasons that are so good that you feel like you’re dreaming. Just trust that the universe has your back. It’s not working against you, although sometimes that’s exactly what it feels like. The universe simply mirrors back to you what you put out, so if you’re putting out fear, doubt, and insecurity, that’s exactly what you’ll get back. But if you put out love, appreciation, and compassion, you’ll get experiences that will fill you with wonder and awe, with the pure magic of life.
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you love. It will not lead you astray.”
What I’ve learned is that it isn’t really about being fearless at all. On the contrary–it’s about having courage even in the face of fear. It’s about staying true to your heart even if that means you feel vulnerable.
We forget that vulnerability is strength. It shows that you’re courageous, even in the midst of the unknown. Truly living, then, means being vulnerable. It means loving others, no matter what. It means loving yourself, no matter what!
You can still feel fear, but instead of letting it take the lead, look at it with love and gently see it for what it is–a well-meaning friend. Don’t resist fear. Just have it sit down next to you, until it transforms itself into love. Because that’s all fear is, really. It loves you so much that it tries to protect you at all costs. But it often holds you back–so don’t let fear win!
“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion. ”
We are truly more powerful than we think.
We have the power within us to overcome and change any situation in our lives. If we stay true to ourselves, if every decision we make is led by love, if we express gratitude for all that we have, then more and more good will appear. We will begin to live so joyfully!
From now on, I aim to be strong, yet vulnerable. Powerful, yet humble. Compassionate, yet discerning. Lighthearted, yet wise. With gratitude, I think any situation can transform into something greater than we could’ve even imagined.
I’m still figuring it out as I go. All I know is that as long as you have a courageous, loving heart, you can truly do anything.
With love,
Ika
